My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize