I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
