My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
tell me about the fingering
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
