I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
