A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
even my farts smell like vagina
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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