That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
