I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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