Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
