is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
