Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
