I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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