WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
