when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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