i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
