Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize