I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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