just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
