First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize