It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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