i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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