This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
