I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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