Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
