The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
