My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
