I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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