So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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