I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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