I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just want to make out with him forever
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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