last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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