I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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