So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
