I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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