Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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