Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
