We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
