Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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