Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
