i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
