God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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