I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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