I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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