My Higher Power is John Stamos
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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