My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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