I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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