A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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