I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
