She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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