If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize