Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
