apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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