a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
