I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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