but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
